February 10, 2009 Morning Journal

Good morning, Jesus! I hope Your day is off to a good start. I wonder: how many people—like me—wake up, tell You what their needs for the day are, read a scripture passage or two, say they love You, then go on about the day, just expecting You to take care of things? Oh yeah, it’s nice to know You are in charge and to leave my cares with You while I busy myself doing stuff. Until. Until I start thinking I can’t wait for You to respond so I begin to take matters into my own hands, tending to mess them up, and then realizing, duh, I really didn’t communicate with You after all. I put as much into my “devotion time” as I put into my weight loss attempts. Yep, I check the scale almost every morning, not liking what I see, and determine to do better, to exercise in some fashion (like I exercise my faith—if my mood is right), to pay better attention to what I eat (if I’m distracted, I tend not to eat-just as I tend to not focus on You throughout the day). I think that I’ll drink more water to keep my body flushed out (just like I’ll determine to drink of the Living Water). I’ll also leave the scale with a firm push to put it in its place—where it can’t be seen—because it didn’t change me overnight (just as I put my Bible back on the shelf after I’ve read it and didn’t get the immediate results I desire). Then, as with my morning devotion, I walk away, keeping just enough hope alive to get me through the day.

Do I exercise? Yeah. I may walk the aisles of Wal-Mart or go to the mailbox. Hmn. In comparison, I may send a quick encouraging email to someone. Do I keep the bad foods away? For a bit, but then usually cram something else in. Does this compare to my reading habits? I’ll read secular books then cram something “spiritual” like Blue Like Jazz or The Shack into my library. Do I drink more water? Yeah; each time I go to the bathroom I’ll down a cup full into my mouth. I guess this is about equal to my perpetual uplifting calendars that I read each morning, the “Christian” email forwards received and/or sent, and perhaps even the morning devotional that Steve and I read (since the morning cup of water tends to be my biggest drink). Maybe I’ll throw in some 106.9 radio or put some Contemporary Christian music on. Oh yeah, I am so full of the Living Water.

Pardon me while I choke.

Oh yeah: about that scale. Do I check it out more that once a day? Sure. Just like I take my Bible out more than once. Can’t You tell I really want to change?

Ashley Deaver

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Thanks! Current mood: giddy There are some really great people in the world that all too often we take for granted. Perhaps we really just only know these people by acquaintance or maybe we already have "too many friends" to get involved with new ones. Ha! That'd be the day, wouldn't it, to actually believe this fallacy that there could be too many folks in our lives? One young lady I have on my mind right now is Ashley Deaver. I've known her for several years but, considering there are nearly three decades in our ages, I haven't had many opportunities to talk with her. That changed this past weekend at Maggie's wedding (another delightful young--I started to write "lady" but since she is now a wife, I have to write "woman" instead). Then I looked at Ashley's blog and am even more impressed. Check her out for yourself and see what you too may be missing. Another younger (when you are 43, nearly half of the population is younger than you and why do I feel I have to stipulate these people's ages anyway?) woman I am getting to know is one who is in my Sunday School Class named Juanita. She is a true diamond in the rough and I am so enjoying watching her come out of her shell and shine! My daughter Ashley always impresses me. Seeing her become such a wonderful young woman who is allowing herself to be used for our Lord is a joy. Her hubby is doing pretty well too! My Sisters group is growing in each other and in the Lord, which is our goal. I am getting to know new members such as Lisa W., Mae, Ruth, and also getting a better understanding of some of the "original" Sisters (as if! each time we meet, there is a different bunch). Building trust is such a difficult, time-consuming thing to do. It involves letting go of the fear of rejection, possible ridicule, and doing things I don't always want to do. Is it always successful? Hardly. But you know what? I'm gonna do it anyway. Why? Why not? I'm a big girl now. Sure, my feelings will still get hurt. My efforts will often be in vain. I won't always be the first one chosen. But sometimes, sometimes, I am and that feels great! Sometimes I am asked how I am doing and made to feel important. Mmmn. So, in conclusion, my heading is simply "thanks." I thank you for caring enough to read this blog. I thank these ladies and so many more that I haven't mentioned for being lights in a dark world. But mostly, Lord, I thank You. You made us, You created us to bring glory to You. These folks are doing that and I thank You for putting them in my life.

Straws

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Straws Current mood: determined I have been holding onto a grudge. A grudge that I know is stupid. In fact, in reality, it has no place in my life. Because in my marvelous hindsight and infinite wisdom, I realize the source of this resentment is just a family, a family who thought they were doing the right thing at the time. Their methods could have been more to my liking. Their—what I deemed underhandedness back then—confrontation of the situation was not godly, although they saw it as such. Their feeling of being insulted was completely justified—in their eyes—and they did what they thought should be done in order to protect their child from my evil teachings, from me. Looking back, they were wrong. Looking now, it's like the incident didn't happen. It was settled in their eyes and I don't know about their hearts. Apparently, considering how they treat me now, things were resolved to their satisfaction. I used to considerably blame them for the loss of my job but, again in my infinite wisdom, realize they were just pawns. Straws, actually, and those who had the authority over me used them to be the last one concerning my position. Yet, they are still a thorn in my flesh. I act nicely towards them. My husband has become a great friend of the father of this family. He tells me how great this man is, how his life is lived for Christ. I want to choke at this betrayal sometimes. Sometimes; not as much as I used to. For you see, this man was just a straw. My husband isn't really betraying me. He's showing me the way to be, the way a real follower of Christ should be. My Bible devotion told me this morning to read certain verses in Matthew about forgiveness and then to think of one or two folks I need to forgive. I thought, "Hmn. Nice devotion. I bet it might even work for some." I pondered that for another moment and thought "Am I going to continue just being a hearer of the Word or am I going to apply His teachings?" Sighing, I opened my Bible to those familiar passages. I've read them several times; heard them preached upon often. It's time to apply. Great. I have to actually do what the Word says or I will be the one in the wrong. Yes, this incident happened years ago. In that family's eyes, why I doubt they even know the havoc they created in my life, the betrayal I felt by these people. Why, why, why didn't they personally come to me with this problem and let us resolve it without going to the lengths they took at the time and causing me humiliation and despair? Honestly, how dared they throughout the years act like my friends? The absolute gall! Why did they do this? Because they were straws. So, now comes the big decision. I am a different person so isn't it fair to say that they too have changed? This incident probably didn't affect them nearly as much as I have allowed it to affect me. I seriously doubt if they know the grief I have felt, otherwise how can they continue on with their act of liking me and joking with? How can they? Because they actually do like me. They received the result they wanted at the time so what happened in my life is inconsequential. Not that it didn't matter; it just didn't matter to them. Why do I continue letting them have a power over me to make my day one of blaming and holding this grudge against them when their names come up? Why do I inwardly sneer when they talk of how wonderful their child is and the things being accomplished? Sigh. Why am I still harboring my own resentment? I've already stated the obvious. Truth be told, my job was gone anyway. Icing on the cake some would say this was. The last straw. Okay, back to the real issue: am I or am I not going to forgive them for their actions? They haven't asked me to because in their mind, I was the wrong doer. Stay on task here, Stef. This all took place a while ago. The only reason it comes up is because I haven't been an applier of the commandment to forgive. And there are many other circumstances where I haven't been applying what I know to. So, for this one incident, for this one day, am I going to put my faith in the One Who died for my stupidness, for my harm to others both knowingly and unknowingly, for my part of wreaking havoc on others' lives…? Am I going to revel in His forgiveness for the things I haven't repented of and perhaps am even unaware of? How many wrongs have I caused that don't even come to my mind? The people I mentioned were just pawns in Satan's evil game of trying to tear down the Christian community. It's been working but I think that yes, I am going to forgive and change teams. I want to be on the winning side now, the one where love, encouragement, true friendship and yes, forgiveness abounds. The side where people are human, they—I--make mistakes and instead of kicking when one is down, offer a hand up instead. Oh this is tough. It's easy to think I can do this at this moment, Lord. But You know ol' slew foot is going to put me in these folks' pathway and have them do or say something to bring this all back to my mind sometime either in the near future, far future, or both. In my own strength I cannot fully forgive. I'm not like You, Jesus. But I want to be so I am asking You to help me let go of my grudge against these folks. Help me to love in truth and not pretense anymore. And when the devil jabs their injustice in my face, help me to turn my cheek the other way and tell him to find some other straw. I'm not sucking up his lies anymore. Postscript Sure enough, the devil did attack after I made this resolution. But it wasn't by these people. He's so sly; he used another saved person to annoy me and to lead me to feel harshly towards. The cycle never ends. It never will until our Jesus comes for us.

Enough!

Sunday, May 27, 2007

ENOUGH! Current mood: frustrated Category: Friends I've had it. Have you? You put up and put up and put up with fluff and think, "Okay. I've got it under control. I will be all right." And then, out of the blue, no warning at all, BAM! Someone (usually a "Christian") says one thing that, honestly,s/he meant no harm by, that makes you want to scream, to throw your hands up and scream "ENOUGH!" WATCH YOUR MOUTH Are you the one, the "Christian" who unwittingly said the word, the phrase, the comment that was the last straw? Sure, you are the jokester, just trying to have a little fun but it is as someone else's expense. Probably you had no intention of causing the harm you just inflicted. Probably. The Bible teaches us to take every thought captive, to not let any foolish communication proceed out of our mouths. You must keep in mind that you have no idea what those around you are going through. Although they may be smiling on the outside, their insides may be crying, may be dying. You don't know how their hearts may be breaking, how they may be just barely holding on. They (a lot of times) have come into church, into Sunday School, into a church settting needing so badly a kind work, a hug, a word of encouragement, and instead they get the wind knocked out of their sails, the feeling of being kicked in the gut. It's a shock, a harsh surprise that they were not prepared for. They did not have their defenses up because, after all, this was church! This was where it was supposed to be safe. These are supposed to be God's people! What the hell just happened? Yes, I wrote, "What the hell." Because that's exactly where it came from: hell. So be careful with your fun. Be careful with your mouth. Watch yourself. Guard your tongue. And try to think before speaking. You never know when someone has had enough. For the past three days I have been surrounded by people professing to be Christians. For the past three days I have smilingly taken their jokes, their ribbing, their put downs, their unkind words. My husband tells me if they didn't like me and feel comfortable with me, they wouldn't joke with me so much. I agree, for the most part. However, I--the Queen of Wit--sometimes need encouragement too. Sometimes I need to be taken seriously instead of mocked when I suggest things pertaining to my spiritual gifts. I need to be the one feeling welcomed rather than the one trying to make those around me comfortable all the time. So in conclusion, I write this blog to myself. All too often I am quirky and try to get the laughs. This weekend I took the brunt of things that those around me only meant in jest and usually I could have taken it. Frankly, I did take it. They meant no harm by it and truthfully, by doing and saying the things they did, they were actually trying to hide from the truths they learned and already knew about. I know how defense works. But Sunday morning, the man who spoke the words that sparked this blog, the man who is supposed to be a greeter instead turned into a defeater. His words were funny, in his eyes. To me though, they were darts, aimed at my fragile heart, and I did what Joseph did in the face of ungodliness: I fled. If he thought me rude for not bantering with him, so be it. Better to be thought rude of than to have started a war of words that would have led to letting the devil into God's building. There's already been enough of that.

Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers

Friday, June 22, 2007

So, last night my hubby and I went to supper and then to Wal-Mart. As we approached the entrance, I saw a former employer/co-worker. "Oh great," I thought. She didn't acknowledge seeing me. We got in the doors and she had trouble getting a buggy. She again acted as though she didn't see me (although we were right behind her) but I could tell it was getting to her. As Steve and I approached the aisle where we usually go our separate ways, we met. Long story short, she said she had some reviews for me that she had found on her desk--at home, mind you, not at school where I would think things like this should be. She said the secretary had given them to her because she didn't know what to do with them (note to secretaries: when someone is no longer employed with your establishment and you have belongings of theirs, MAIL THEM TO THEM!!!). But here's the kicker: MJ says she wasn't sure what to do with them since "I didn't come back" to school. Of all the unmitigated gall! I "didn't come back" because she chose to not renew my contract!!!!All summer she kept me dangling until finally in late July she said they decided to go with someone else. But that's in the past. What I am blogging about is how some people conveniently lay their responsibility on someone else's shoulders. It's almost laughable what one will do to ease a conscience. Why didn't I say anything to refute her words? I wanted to, oh how I wanted to! But what would have been the point? It's in the past and cannot be changed. She was unfair to me and rather than apologize for all the harm she caused me instead she allowed the devil to use her to be less of the Christian that she purports to being. Which brings me to my next point: battle gear. You know how we are supposed to put on the whole armor of God so that we may stand against the fiery darts? As Steve and I drove home and I commiserated that I didn't have my shield up and wondered why, at Wal-Mart of all places, I should be prepared. Duh, Stef! Everyone and their brother goes to Wally World and there especially I should have my battle gear on. So, chalk another wound up to my own lack of responsibilty. In conclusion, thanks MJ. Unknowingly you taught me another lesson which I will try to implement. You are a teacher in so many ways. I have learned much from you that you didn't even know you taught. You're a real class act.

K-Mart, Long John Silvers, or me

Monday, August 13, 2007

Yesterday my hubby and I decided we'd go see my folks. We called to let them know we were coming. Sunday is usually my mother's day to visit her mother in the nursing home, go to Asheville, and eat out twice in between church services. She does this with my brother and his daughter and it has been their routine for quite a while. Nonetheless, we compared notes as to what we both intended to do and I assumed we'd meet at her house before she left for her adventures. Boy was I wrong. Apparently, Steve and I stayed too long visiting my grandmother and my dear mother couldn't wait any longer. So she packed up her entourage and they left. Did I mention I live nearly two hours away and we rarely get together? Also, it's a two-lane highway to and from the nursing home where my grandmother is housed at. Looks like we'd have either passed one another or at the very least that my mother could have called (even though it's backwoods NC, cell phones do work). I guess the lure of the weekly specials at K-Mart and the thoughts of all that greasy fish from Long John's just held much more allure than seeing her youngest daughter. She did email me to say we must have gotten our wires crossed somewhere and that she hoped we'd try to visit again soon. Thanks, mom. Nothing like the knowledge of not being good enough to delay the trip to Asheville, to do without the trip to K-Mart, or at the very least (kind of an overused phrase in this blog, huh?) to have called with a little more feeling expressed than "oops." I don't know why I am surprised. Just a bit saddened that some things never change, I guess. Being good enough was never my strong suit in your eyes. Thanks for the reminder. Hope your fish was good.

I Saw You

Monday, October 22, 2007

Last Wednesday, I saw you. You were lying inside of your mommy's womb. Your little heart was racing and your posture was that of waiting: you have a lot of growing to do, little one, and you are going to be in there for quite a while. The doctor showed us your teeny tiny umbilical cord. This is your sustenance for the next seven months, give or take a few days. We have a saying we quote out here often, "Can I use my lifeline?" Use your mommy's lifeline, Baby. She's taking good care of you. Do you know how much you are already loved and longed for? So much! Your daddy is so excited and he can't wait to show you all of his tricks. Watch out for him: he's a prankster. No one is safe from his antics. No one. He may get you into some trouble later but nothing too seriously. Your momma thinks about you all the time. Do you feel her rubbing your "home," keeping you warm and safe? Uncle Shaun is the one who has been poking you. He's another one you will have to watch out for! Grampa has been doing a bit of praying for you. He's the one who is going to make your world a better place. He had a good teacher and I guarantee you that when he is around, no one will mess with you! He's also the one you can count on for unconditional love and support. Baby, you are one blessed child to have him as your grampa! And me? Who am I? Well, you can call me Granny. Really, you can call me whatever you want--as long as it isn't inspired by your daddy. He'll have you calling me "Granny Snef" or some other thing that I probably shouldn't put down on paper. Regardless, I am also the one who has a vested interest in you. You are my first grandchild and I love you so much already! My eyes tear up at the thoughts of holding you. I've been trying to hold back on getting too excited about you. It's tough! I try not to rub Mommy's belly every time she's near and tell you hi. But when I saw you last week, I was overcome. She was too. Her eyes were glued to the screen and we both just marvelled at you. We got to share this moment and it is one I will treasure always. My baby and her baby. You. Ahh. Well, I guess I will go now. You will be hearing a lot from me! I just wanted you to know I saw you and you are beautiful, Baby. You are beautiful.